Author's Note: Well, this is it! A long time ago, 'bout 33 years ago...my high school English teacher, affectionately known as Miss K to all her students, gave us an assignment. "Write something unique," she told us. It didn't have to be long or short or about any specific topic. She just wanted us to exercise our creativity. With a little story help from a friend of mine, this was the result.


Why am I including it on my website? Because this is really where it all began. Miss K told me after she read it that no matter what I did in my life, I should write, whether I did it personaly or professionally. It was one of those defining moments, to be honest and I refer back to it a lot as really what prompted me to seek the path of being an author.


This personal anectdote has come up during more than a few appearances and interviews over the past couple of years, and interestingly enough, I'm always asked whether I still have the story. This is history, baby!  Of course, I have it! So here it is, dug out of my history box, transcribed to this web page, but exactly as it was written back in 1983.


Remember, I was in high school at the time. Don't say you weren't warned. And for my Belle Plaine High School classmates that read this...well, what can I say. Now you know.



A long time ago, 'bout 40 years or so,

me 'n the boys were at the Conoco!


We were chewin' 'baccy n' drinkin' Bud,

when over the hill, come ol' Jeff Crud.


He came up to us and said with a bow,

"Howdy boys, I wanna milk your cow!"


Well, we all said, "That, you just might,

but first come sit and have a Bud Light."


After a while, he said to us "Now,

I'll do what I want, I wanna milk that cow!"


Well, Big Guy got up, he wasn't very bright,

He said "If you do, we're gonna fight!"


Ol' Jeff Crud, he said with a smile,

"I'll fight ya'll first, and then run a mile!"


Well, Big Guy said to Ol' Jeff's face,

"We'll fight first and then run the race!"


Jeff Crud finally said with a laugh,

"Yer kinda face would scare a giraffe!"


Big Guy, well he was awful mad now,

doubled up his fist and then a big 'POW!'


Ol' Jeff Crud, he was in his underwear,

his clothes knocked off a layin' everywhere.


He was purty darned scared and sat down to cry,

looked at Big Guy and said, "Yer gonna die!"


Ol' Jeff Crud, well he picked up all his clothes,

looked at Big Guy and punched him in the nose!


Big Guy was now a hoppin' up n' down,

when Ol' Jeff Crud dun busted his crown!


Big Guy, who was now half dead,

grabbed his gun to fill Jeff full of lead.


Big Guy's aim was purty darn poor,

missed Jeff Crud and blew up the door.


'Bout that time, the sheriff came by,

Big Guy shot him right between the eyes.


Big Guy thought, "No time for him now,"

aimed his gun and killed the cow.


Shot once again and killed an ol' hen,

shot a fifth time and hit the pig pen.


Aiming astray, he shot the last shot,

missing again, he hit the 'baccy pot.


Then he threw the gun at Ol' Jeff,

hit him in the ear and made Jeff deaf.


Ol' Jeff Crud sat down to cry,

Big Guy saw his chance and hit him in the eye.


Ol' Jeff Crud was injured now,

When Big Guy him him with that patented 'POW!'


Again Jeff Crud was in his underwear,

purty darn dazed, a lookin' here and there.


Big Guy now was sensin' a win,

looked at Jeff Crud with a wierd grin.


Big Guy then turned around to eat lunch,

Jeff Crud then threw a kidney punch.


Big Guy then sank to his knees,

Jeff Crud swung, missed, 'what a breeze!'


Big Guy then got mad as a dog,

tore into Jeff's leg like a beaver to a log.


Then Jeff Crud kicked him in the chest,

put Big Guy down for a really long rest.


While Big Guy was down just takin' a snooze,

Ol' Jeff Crud dun drinked all our booze!


Big Guy woke up, he was fighten' mad!

Ol' Jeff Crud then knew he was had.


Ol' Jeff Crud tried to kick him in the face,

But Big Guy then dun put him in his place.


Then Jeff Crud grabbed an empty jug,

hit Big Guy with one heck of a slug.


Big Guy then fell flat on his face,

Jeff Crud says, "Now, I'll win the race!"


Ol' Jeff Crud took off awful fast,

Big Guy caught up and started to pass.


'Ol Jeff Crud stuck out his foot,

Sent Big Guy flyin' into a pile of soot!


Big Guy got up, blacker than black,

Jeff Crud turned around and came flyin' back.


Ol' Jeff Crud then begged for mercy,

Big Guy called for his Great Dane, Percy.


Percy then came boundin' up,

turned around and called his pup.


Little Ol' Pup came racin' by,

Ol' Jeff Crud dun spit in his eye.


Little Ol' Pup went yelpin' back,

Big Guy said "Yer gonna get jacked!"


Percy came up to chew on Jeff's leg,

Jeff says, "Don't matter, it's only a peg!"


So Percy then went after the other,

Jeff Crud sighed and said, "Oh brother."


Big Guy said "Percy ain't been fed,

Ol' Jeff Crud, yer as good as dead!"


Ol' Jeff Crud said, "Don't you wish!"

Bonked Ol' Percy with his dog food dish.


Ol' Percy then laid down to die,

Big Guy let out a great big sigh.


Big Guy said, "I'm sick of your face, 

so before I kill you, get outta my space!"


"Ol' Jeff Crud says, "Forget it you dip!"

But around his neck, Big Guy got a grip.


A long time ago, 'bout 30 years or so,

Me and the boys, we were at the Conoco.


Swappin' tales 'bout Ol' Jeff Crud,

'bout how he's buried in six feet of mud.


We visit his grave ev'ry once in a while,

and I'll betcha a doller, he ain't carryin' a smile.



Remember, I did warn you. But wouldn't this make a killer Charley Daniels tune? At the very least, World Wrestling Entertainment could use it to script their next championship match. 

Ballad of Ol' Jeff Crud